"I somehow doubt they'll be showing this in any history class."
Movie Title-The Legend of the Titanic
Directors-Orlando Corradi and Kim J. Ok
Release Date-Sometime in 1999
Budget-Unknown
Box Office-Unknown
Hello my name is Evan A.K.A. The Animated Critic. Welcome ladies and gentlemen to our 1 year anniversary special.
Yes it's officially been a year since I started doing this blog. Seems like it was only a few months ago. But either way I've had fun doing it for this entire year. Yes, even when watching the awful abominations animation has to offer. But let's reflect on the previous year. The good, the bad, and the ugly.
(Skip this paragraph for the actual review.)
I started this blog off with one of the worst episodes of SpongeBob with the intention to show that animation can be capable of great things, but could also be capable of some of the worst things I've ever had the displeasure to sit through. I started of with what would become my regular targets and we saw some weird stuff. Gundam houses, a boy being turned into an old man thanks to some gem, and of course a whale being torn to shreds while he groans in agonizing pain. Funny right?
Aside from that I accidentally called Sadie from Steven Universe Sally. Reviewed probably the worst TV Christmas special I've ever seen. Stuck it to Nickelodeon and their awful shows while simultaneously praising their show, Harvey Beaks. I revisited an old child hood favorite of mine, Teen Titans, with an episode about the beauty of life, and I got rather preachy. I also reviewed it's reboot Teen Titans Go. We celebrated Halloween in December, and Powerpuff Month wasn't just one month but 2 and a quarter. I started a look back on the Disney Animated Canon with Evan Vs. Disney as well as Anime Critic....which only has one episode right now......moving on.
I started Quick Thoughts or as it should be renamed Steven Universe Episode reviewes with only the occasional other show covered. I'm working on it ok. I had two unpopular opinions with me liking the Season 10 premiere of Fairly Odd Parents and the reboot of the Powerpuff Girls. Speaking of which we celebrated by dedicating an entire month to all the Powerpuff Franchise.....which lasted way longer than a month. I also started the Webshow something I've been promising since November. Again with another awful SpongeBob episode.
Aside from reviews though I also met up with some old and new friends. I met my own guardian angel, a former movie critic named Kevin and a living plush Pokemon Cyndaquil toy. Yeah...my life started getting real weird during this last year didn't it. My old friend from the past who I betrayed horribly also came to see me......but she wanted me dead, or atleast everything I held dear dead. Her sister was pretty cool though. This experience has taught me though that I was apparently a really awful person as a kid and now I'm rolling in guilt.
And I think that just about covers it.
So what have I decided to watch to celebrate this special occasion with.
A special little movie called Legend of the Titanic. You may of heard this movie being referred to as one of the worst animated films of all time.
I mean just look at these scores.
I mean it makes since. The live action Titanic movie was released only 2 years prior to this movie and was, at the time, the highest grossing film of all time. It was quite popular so ripoffs are to be expected. As we watch the movie we'll see more of a connection to the the live action film, but I get the feeling that they really didn't want to be an exact carbon copy cause they do some really......really weird things with the Titanic story. Of course I don't think I need to explain the historical event of the Titanic. It's one of the most well known and biggest maritime disasters. The unsinkable ship that crashed into the iceberg ending the lives of many. It can make for a really good drama film. However this movie decided to Disneyfy the story. Disneyfy is a term used to describe a movie that takes an old legend or historical event and makes it into a Disney like film. Except the writers for the Disney movies were talented and knew how to tell a story. Most Disney-esque films, with a few exceptions, fail to capture any of the things that make the Disney movies so good and remembered. Sometimes it seems their only knowledge of Disney's works come from the parodies, like the one in Family Guy.
I mean just look at these scores.
And if you look at IMDB's 100 lowest rated movies it's #24.
Here's a brief list of movies that have a better score than Legend of the Titanic
Birdemic 2
Epic Movie
Alone in the Dark
Gigli
Battlefield Earth
Baby Geniuses
Santa Clause Conquers the Martians
Dragonball Evolution
Troll 2
And Plan 9 From Outer Space
How could this film be that bad. Where did this film even come from. Well it's an Italian film. I guess some guy saw the live action Titanic Movie and wanted to make an animated version.
So more often than not they fail. Legend of the Titanic's failures come from this......well most of the failures do anyway. There's a specific thing this movie does that makes it so infamous and puts it in a whole new league of fail when compared to other Disney ripoffs.
But enough wasting time let's dig into Legend of the Titanic and see what horror lies behind this film.
The movie starts in what I'm assuming is New York City.
There we see a family of mice. A grandpa and his grandkids. The grandkids ask about his journey on the Titanic.
One kid finds a whistle, but the grandpa snatches it away saying it's used to call a vicious guy named Ice. We later learn Ice is a shark so considering the fact you're on land I think you'll be fine.
Another kid finds an old newspaper (man these kids just won't keep their paws out of his stuff) that talk about how many people went missing during the crash of the Titanic. The grandpa mouse tells his grandkids it was all a misunderstanding and that no one actually went missing on the Titanic........wait what!
Did I seriously just type that......more importantly did they seriously just say that.
Believe it or not they actually did just say that everything we know about the Titanic is a lie. All those people who died and went missing. Nah, they're all fine and good.
Tell that to Jack.
Well I will admit you've peeked my curiosity. Let's dig into this crazy, possibly meth-induced story.
So we flashback to when the grandpa mouse was young.
I don't know his name and to be honest he's not a memorable enough character for me to really care so we'll just continue calling him Gramps. Anyway him and a whole crew of other mice are stowing away on the Titanic. Why? I don't know, cause there's no cats in America or something.
Oh, wait I know why. Because this is a Disney ripoff and because of that we have to force in animal sidekicks.
Meanwhile a car pulls up introducing us to one of our main characters.
Rose. I mean uh......Elizabeth. And the only reason I remember her name is because Elizabeth is a really nice name.
But yeah she's practically Rose from the live action movie. Well......if any semblance of personality Rose had was removed that is. She's so bland and boring.
Oh and guess what. Just like Rose she's being forced into an arranged marriage....or as JonTron would say "arranged married."
She tells her father that she'd rather die then marry the person she's being forced to marry and then he goes on a rant about wanting the best for her or some bull crap.
Back to the mice because this is for kids and kids love wacky and silly animal antics.
So what silky antics are these animals getting into..........................role call.
God dang it, you can't even pander to children correctly.
Gramps starts taking role call, which would be a fine scene if they only showed us mice which would be important to the story but it just goes on and on and on with mice that won't be seen after this part. It drags on and just starts getting obnoxious. By the way the mice make the stupidest little noise after getting called on.
I guess now is a better time then ever to talk about the voice acting and animation. The voice acting is sub par. It can get bad at times but most of the time it's meh. Animation is also pretty decent. Except it was obvious they were working on a budget. Sometimes there's little movement happening and it looks incredibly awkward when a character does do any frantic movements. Like I said before this is an Italian film but someone took a look at this movie and thought it needed a dub.
The lip movements sometimes match the words but sometimes don't. It's like 50-50 but I could probably just chock that up to a bad dub. However sometimes the lips don't move in scenes where there is dialogue. Sometimes dubbers do add dialogue where there was originally none but no, it's pretty clear there was probably dialogue in these spots in the original version as well. They just didn't have the mouths move to save money. Also the Mic quality is pretty bad at some points, especially the beginning. To put it simply it sounds like they sometimes forgot to put a muffler on the mic. Everything in the sound and animation department is the general quality of an early 80s animated film. A low budget 80s animated film. This movie was made in 1999.
Anyway during the boring role call scene we get introduced to Stella who really has no point in the movie besides being a phoned in love interest to Gramps. Yeah that's all she ever is and does.
She's completely pointless.
But we also meet her brother.
We'll call him Brazilian Stereotype because that's what he is.
The captain tells the gang of mice to be careful climbing the rope up to the ship and the Brazilian Stereotype makes the most insightful comment. "I'll die of cold if [I fall off the boat into the water.]"
Then everybody laughs because I guess death by hypothermia is just really funny.
Anyway the captain ask Stereotype why he came here. He came to England to learn it's national past time Soccer. Soccer is his only personality trait. So much so that he literally only packed a soccer ball and nothing else.
Anyway he kicks the balls around a bit on the ropes. Which definetly isn't dangerous and totally seems in character for the guy who showed legitimate concern of falling off and dying.
But enough of our mousey little friends. Back to the humans.
Elizabeth's husband to be goes to talk to Elizabeth's step mother and.....some other person we never see again.
Hmmmm.......I wonder who the villains are. I mean it surely cant be THE GUY WEARING THE FRICKING EYEPATCH AND THE LADY HOLDING A CAT MENACINGLY.
OK they don't exactly try to keep it a secret who the villains are but seriously. You couldn't of been any less subtle about it.
You could've literally labeled the characters as evil and still be more subtle.
Anyway we see our other main character and our 'Jack' of this film. His name is Don or something....honestly who cares. His new name is Jack. To be honest they didn't really rip off that much of Jack from the live action film. Here our male lead is a gypsy dancer.
And he has a dog named Smiley. Jack notices Elizabeth is watching them and ask the dog to get the girls attention. He does so while also pestering our obvious cliche villains.
Silly antics ensue. The main villain and his assistant try to catch the dog but of course fail.
Assistant: "Count on me boss."
Obvious Villain: "I wouldn't count on you if you were an abacus."
That's a waste of an abacus then.
The dog eventually does get to Elizabeth and gets some pets from her. He then steals her glove and tosses it towards Jack. Who then proceeds to....smell it....what?
Well that got creepy. The funny thing is Elizabeth saw that and her facial reaction is brilliant.
That's the face of someone who is truly terrified.
She's just like "ha ha ha ha ha......I'm just gonna back away slowly now."
Anyway it's time to board the ship.
Jack gets on with his dog following behind him but the guy at the entrance says all pets must be kept on a leash. Then Jack's friends start being a douchebag to the guy for no reason.
Jesus guys he's just doing his job.
The dog follows the douchebags up on deck and for some reason the guard doesn't stop him.
Oh but the dog decides to continue abusing the guy who did nothing to deserve it by peeing on his shoe.
Stay classy movie.
Gotta pander to children cause kids love pee.
I was ready when they claimed nobody died on the Titanic. But the review must go on.
If I didn't know better I would say that guard was Squidward in disguise.
Anyway it's time to send the Titanic off.
Weirdly enough Grandpa never brings up the part of the story where the clones show up to the send off. 
So on deck we see Blind Beard the Pirate (which is what I'm gonna start calling the main villain), with his assistant. Cause every evil mastermind needs a goofy, dorky, loveable assistant.
They're exposating to themselves about their evil plan. The only reason Blind Beard wants to marry Elizabeth is to get world wide whaling rights from her father, the Duke.
That's really it for that scene.
Next scene:
A mouse meeting with...well....all the mice talking about being safe especially around the cats and blah blah blah blah.
It's pointless.
OK next scene.
It's a diner for the higher class. The captain's having dinner with Elizabeth and her family, including Blind Beard. The captain gives a toast as Elizabeth and Blind Beard are about to be married. This causes Elizabeth to get upset and rage about how no one will ask her on her opinion on the matter. Yeah #GirlPower.
*Entire audience cringes at awful joke.*
The two main mice (Gramps and Brazilian Stereotype) have been watching the whole thing.
Brazilian Stereotype starts fantasizing about Elizabeth. OK I don't know what's creepier the glove sniffing weirdo or the mouse on human fantasies 
Gramps points out to him that she's a woman and he's a mouse and he has probably the most unintentionally funny response to that observation.
Stereotype: "Well if there's one thing I'm not its a racist."
Ha ha ha.....oh god. Where to begin.
Well 1-That wouldn't be racism.
2-Good for you, but a mouse fantasizing about a woman is still.....well.....a little weird.
3-It was quite obvious you weren't a racist considering how were hitting on the girl so....why did you feel the need to say you weren't .
4-He never accused you of being a racist. You seriously just said that out of nowhere and it doesn't even fit in with the rest of the conversation.
5-You are a racist......a racist stereotype that is. A Brazilian obsessed with Soccer and attractive ladies.
Well moving on. Elizabeth's Stepmother says something needs to be done about her. We then cut to Elizabeth.
Remember how I said they did some weird things with the story of the Titanic. Well.....this is where things get weird.
Elizabeth is crying on the deck of the ship, some of her tears going overboard, and hitting a dolphin.
The dolphin then jumps up to her and.....get your facepalms ready......starts talking to her.
According to the dolphin a contrivance allowed her tear to get hit with "Moonbeam Magic" and the dolphins also added some magic of their own.
*sigh* I could be watching Atop the Fourth Wall right now. You know screw it....break time. After that extreme bull crap I need it.
Ah, now that's more like it.
Uhhhhhh.......Evan
Oh, hey Ashley. Want to watch some Atop the Fourth Wall with me.
Um...I know this may be none of my business but isn't there a review you need to finish.
Ah, that can wait.
But isn't it your one year anniversary.
Listen I just need a break for a minute. Just to think some stuff over.
Is this about Adora?
No it isn't about Adora. It's just......ugh, you wouldn't understand.
And why not.
You don't do reviews. When you do reviews you have to sit through some pretty awful crap.
Wow, aren't you a bit patronizing today.
Listen this movie is just frustrating me....I'm sorry if I sounded so rude.
Hmmmm......OK, I'll accept your apology.
Thanks for the generosity.
I guess I'll continue the review. *sigh*
So where were we. Oh yeah Magical Moonbeams and Dolphin Magic, cause I guess Dolphins are wizards. How we never discovered this about them, I don't know.
And the whole fricking Magical Moonbeam thing is so contrived and comes so out of left field that it's kinda ridiculous.
Elizabeth reacts surprisingly well to this news. When in fact her reaction should be:
"Did I take my magic mushrooms before I came out here?.............Probably."
"Where's my hands"
Oh and apparently Dolphins can fly now seeing as how they're able to stay up in the air for minutes at a time.
This Moonbeam magic bull also allows her to talk to our two hero mice.
Elizabeth says she would like to be a dolphin as dolphins have nothing to worry about.
You know.....except poachers and accidentally getting caught on fishing nets. And apparently dolphins have also been known to suffer from depression, but other than that.....
The dolphins explain they do have stuff to worry about though. Whales are being hunt into extinction. Especially from the business Elizabeth's soon to be husband owns.
So after that......thing we cut to Blind Beard and Elizabeth's father discussing the whaling rights.
The Duke does not permit Blind Beard the whaling rights. Our villain though tells his assistant to send a message to his whaling vessels saying to get into position. So he wants them to go to the whaling spots.......and just sit there and wait? Ok, whatever gets this movie over faster.
He also tells his assistant to get their little friend. Guess what......it's another talking animal.
This is that Ice fellow we mentioned earlier. He's a gangster shark......and unfortunately I'm not joking. He's even wearing a fricking jail suit. Why? How? He's a shark.
Anyway the assistant tells him to stay close to the ship.
And how can Blind Beard and his assistant talk to him? How did they get the Moonbeam Magic? Do sharks have magic like dolphins? Answers would be nice.
But it is kinda humorous to imagine that the menacing man in an eye-patch got the power by crying into the ocean just like Elizabeth.
By the way, yes, the gangster sharks will be the ones responsible for the ice berg that sunk the Titanic. But we'll get to that when we get to that.
So we cut to Elizabeth, who's moping around...cause she does that a lot.
The mice come over and tell her to keep fighting and not marry the awful man that Blind Beard is.
Elizabeth says she is going to keep fighting now that she knows our mousey friends are on her side. Which would be a heartwarming moment.....if I actually gave two craps about these characters.
So we cut to the step mother who is talking with Blind Beard. What? The person who was menacingly petting a cat at the beginning of the film is in cahoots with the main villain. Wow, what a twist!
She says that he has to convince the Duke him and Elizabeth are in love.
Which might be hard to do as Elizabeth talks to her father about not marrying Blind Beard. And her father says she doesn't have to.
Yeah he just suddenly changed his mind.
He says he doesn't want to force her into anything that makes her unhappy. Unless you were to talk to him 27 minutes ago then you'd have to do what he thought was best even if it made you unhappy.
Ah, but that was the old him. He's changed.
But it just comes so far out of left field. It's just such a sudden change. Maybe if we got a moment with him contemplating about what he was putting Elizabeth through and how it's made her unhappy. Then maybe it wouldn't be so sudden.
Anyway back to Jack. I accidently skipped talking about a scene where we see Jack's gypsy group having a big shindig.
It happens right before the conversation with the Stepmother and Blind Beard.
So it goes from Elizabeth moping around, to Jack and this big dance party thing, to the conversation with the stepmother and Blind Beard, to Elizabeth confronting her father, and then back to Jack. All that in a relatively short time span. Yeah, the pacing of this movie is also utter garbage.
Anyway at the shindig Jack is also moping around. Ugh...just fantastic.
The dog is a bit worried about him.
Later on the deck Jack is still moping. God this is getting a bit annoying. If I cared about these characters that's one thing, but I don't care.....at all. And when making any form of entertainment that's a pretty major screw up.
Anyway Jack....
..decides to continue being a total creeper.
WTF. You actually kept her glove just for the purpose of sniffing it.
"Mmmmm.....it's smells just like Elizabeth, bland and wooden.
There's also a bit of a Rose smell in there....don't know what that's about."
But seriously what's up with your strange glove sniffing obsession. It's creepy. Especially since you barely know this girl. All you know is that she looks hot.
This is seriously some Hannibal Lecter crap.
Anyway the dog sees how much pain Jack is in and decides to find the girl by going into the dance being held in the ball room. He promptly gets booted out.
He is able to meet up with our mouse friends though.
And this allows them to come up with a plan to get Jack and Elizabeth to hook up.
But enough about that. It's time for some silly antics.
The obvious villain tries to talk to Elizabeth but Brazilian Stereotype being the stereotype that he is hits him in the chest with a soccer ball.
Causing him to fall onto a table.
And roll right into the washing room.
That was an utterly pointless scene and was only there for forced slapstick. Cause kids like that right?
Yeah kids love slapstick......if it's funny. This was just forced in.
Back to Jack who's STILL MOPING AROUND! JESUS CHRIST MAN GET OVER IT.
Also he's in the bar and is drinking water for some reason. The dog coughs because of all the smoking then Jack suddenly turns into a PSA mascot and says "smoking shouldn't be allowed in here."
Why the heck not. This is the SMOKING Bar. Why did you wonder on in here expecting people not to smoke.
They both go outside.
That scene was useless.
Meanwhile preparations for Jack's and Elizabeth's meeting are commencing.
The dog spreads it around via communication with other dogs.
And the mice get some birds to make the musical accompaniment.
The mice tell Elizabeth the dolphins want to speak to her so they drag her outside.
Meanwhile Jack is still just wondering about looking mopey as usual.
Then we get the chance meeting.
The music comes on.
And the two dance. God I'm so glad I'm invested in this relationship that has barely had any development.
(Accurate depiction of the poor souls who had to witness this monstrosity.)
In actuality he's not facepalming because he thinks this is all just so awful....he's guilty that he's been forced into spying on the two protagonists.
The two then share a kiss.
You know....I am a fan of a well done romance story. But this isn't well done. If it was this kiss would actually hold some value to me or someone. This kiss is forced. The characters haven't shared any meaningful dialogue with each other so I'm not invested into the romance and both characters are bland as tofu......and that's an insult to tofu. So I'm not invested into either character either.
So all in all....you made a poor romance story.
It could be worse though....
Always can get worse...
(School Days well have it's day of reckoning.....soon.)
Oh the birds also kiss.
Pretty sure they both were girls.....but hey maybe this movie is more progressive than I originally thought.
Oh and due to more magic bull crap Jack can also talk to animals now. AND HE DOESNT EVEN REACT. LIKE HOLY CRAP I CAN TALK TO ANIMALS.......OH WELL WHO CARES. LIKE JESUS HAVE AN EMOTION BESIDES BEING MOPEY. THAT'D BE GREAT.
So the celebration continues.
I really have to ask how no one else can hear this commotion.
So we cut back to the evil assistant still feeling guilty about spying on the protagonists.
He then said that if he doesn't his boss well feed him to the sharks and we get a rather disturbing scene where he's eaten alive by a shark.
JESUS CHRIST!
Well, after the 'romance' I think I need another break.
Ah......this is much better. No bland characters, no forced romantic subplots. Ugh.......that movie is so awful.
Hey Evan, have you finished the review yet?
Nope, come on watch some Atop the Fourth Wall with me. You like comics so I think you'll enjoy it.
Evan.....are you OK?
Yeah...why?
You just seem.....a bit off today. A bit more angry and frustrated.
Hmm.......maybe it's cause of all the stupid crap I have to deal with. Day after day just the worst that animation has to offer. I constantly speak about how this medium can be used as an art form yet there just seems to be so many people who want to take a crap on that art form. How can I defend animation when crap like this exist.
Not to mention all the drama going on in my life....what with this Adora crap. It's just all.......to much.
Yeah I've had those days. Were everything just goes wrong and it feels like life itself is just collapsing.
Yeah exactly.
It could always be worse. I'd say if this is the thing causing you to feel that collapsing feeling then your life is going pretty well.
What do you mean?
I'm saying worse could happen. I mean this is just a silly little movie. It's bad, but it's causing you to feel so bad, I'm just saying it could be worse.
How could it get worse?
You really don't remember how me and Adora had to grow up. You don't remember that our mother abandoned us. Or that our dad had to work 24/7 just to support us.
.......Ashley......
I'm sorry.....just it's irritating that I've been through some truly awful experiences. Not just with my family, but with my fellow students and you're here being all mopey that you have to sit through an awful movie, or an awful cartoon episode. I'm trying to a supportive friend, but......ugh.......Let me just tell you that Stripperella or this garbage movie doesn't even compare to what I've been through.
Ashley, please...
Oh I'm sorry. Am I hurting your feelings. You know I'm just gonna leave.
OK........
*sniff* ugh......I'm such douche.
Way to avoid drama.
Sorry, I just......he really irritated me. I was trying my best to help,but when he wouldn't accept it I just sort of lashed out without meaning to.
I understand why you did it. It's just.....Evan didn't mean to insult you. He was just getting frustrated with a really bad movie.
He acted like it was the worse thing that could possibly ever happen to him.
I understand, but he meant nothing by it. Evan isn't stupid he knows that worse could happen. In fact I think he just experienced worse.
What do you mean.
The feeling of anger he gets while watching a crappy movie like this is nothing compared to the feeling of anger and despair he felt towards himself when he abandoned Adora or when he made you upset just now. The crappiness of the real world effects him way more than the crappiness of a show or movie. He can handle the crapiness of a show, but when something bad happens outside of a show that's where he has trouble. Especially when he's the cause of it. You know how he couldn't remember the fact that he abandoned Adora.
Yeah.
I made him forget. He was beating himself up about it so harshly that I just couldn't bear to watch it and had to erase his memory of the event.
Wait.......what?
Oh that's right, I never told you I'm his guardian angel.
What?!
I know it's hard to believe but i've been watching over Evan since he was born, Acting as his conscience. It's OK if you don't believe me. Frankly I was surprised Evan believed me.
I'm not, as a kid Evan always believed in stuff like Guardian Angels and spirits and demons. He even once claimed he saw one once. Ha ha. I don't suppose you could prove it.
Afraid not, listen weather you believe me or not just listen. Evan is guilty. The anger he feels at himself is more than he could feel towards any movie. You understand? Sometimes you just see something so poorly done it's kinda frustrating. He's not more caught up in cartoons than he is his real life. He just got caught up in the anger.
*sigh* I see. I just......took his emotions wrong J guess.
To be continued.....
Next time the movie gets finished up and Ashley tries to make amends with Evan.
